The Daily Funnies
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The Daily Funnies |
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2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway 3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First 4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran 5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber. 6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President 7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant 8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet? 9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight 10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore 11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance 12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It 13. Whose God Do You Kill For? 14. Jail to the Chief 15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq? 16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap 17. Bad President! No Banana. 18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language 19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them 20. Is It Vietnam Yet? 21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either 22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket? 23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him. 24. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too 25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46 26. Pray For Impeachment 27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century 28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand? 29. One Nation Under Clod 30. 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified 31. Bush Never Exhaled 32. At Least Nixon Resigned asides.... When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them. "They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and it's worked for over 200 years. And, we're not using it anymore." The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home." LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" POLE: "It made of concrete." LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one." LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations still in Poland." LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player." LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "No, I always up before her." LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?" POLE: "No, she white." LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me." LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof. LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say... 'Polish Remover'
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED TO BUFORD. BUFORD WALKED INTO A DOCTOR'S OFFICE AND THE RECEPTIONIST ASKED HIM WHAT HE HAD. BUFORD SAID , "SHINGLES." SO SHE TOOK DOWN HIS NAME, ADDRESS, MEDICAL INSURANCE NUMBER AND TOLD HIM TO HAVE A SEAT. FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER A NURSE'S AIDE CAME OUT AND ASKED BUFORD WHAT HE HAD...... BUFORD SAID, "SHINGLES." SO SHE TOOK DOWN HIS HEIGHT, WEIGHT, A COMPLETE MEDICAL HISTORY AND TOLD BUFORD TO WAIT IN THE EXAMINING ROOM. A HALF HOUR LATER A NURSE CAME IN AND ASKED BUFORD WHAT HE HAD. BUFORD SAID, "SHINGLES." SO SHE GAVE BUFORD A BLOOD TEST, A BLOOD PRESSURE TEST AND ELECTROCARDIOGRAM; TOLD BUFORD TO TAKE OFF ALL HIS CLOTHES AND WAIT FOR THE DOCTOR. AN HOUR LATER THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND ASKED BUFORD WHAT HE HAD. BUFORD SAID, "SHINGLES." THE DOCTOR SAID, "WHERE?" BUFORD SAID, "OUTSIDE , ON THE TRUCK. WHERE DO YOU WANT THEM?"
My feelings for u have never changed....... u....R....always....a HEADACHE to me !!!! When u feel lonely and alone
& cannot see any one around you, If marriages are made in heaven
, then what are made in Hell? During Marriage ceremony why
are you made to sit on the horse ? Just close ur eyes and think
of urself for 10 seconds...... I wrote ur name on the sands............. LOVE is like a CIGAR ur smile can be compared to a
flower True love is like a pillow Dear Friend, I had VODKA with WATER, I felt
DRUNK when i call u; Teacher : four beautiful ladies
r walking on the road. change it to The human brain is most outstanding
thing....... SMILE - is a language of love A cigarette shortens your life
by 2 min.. History Teacher : From where
to where did the mughals rule ? Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age
Bill gates stood first in the class
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a flirtatious old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day......... As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer. Love, Your Old Friend P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, stairs, in the kitchen, or in the garage, I ask myself..... "Now, What am I here after?"
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: Teaching Math In 1950 Teaching Math In 1960 Teaching Math In 1970 Teaching Math In 1980 Teaching Math In 1990 Teaching Math In 2005
The survey was a huge failure because: In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant, In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant, In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant, In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant, In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
Romance Mathematics Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
BALGOBIN : Because of the sign. TEACHER : What sign? BALGOBIN : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : Balgobin, why are you doing your math sums on the floor? BALGOBIN : You told me to do it without using tables! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : Balgobin, how do you spell "crocodile"? BALGOBIN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER : No, that's wrong BALGOBIN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : Balgobin, go to the map and find North America. BALGOBIN : Here it is! TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS : Balgobin! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : Balgobin, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. BALGOBIN : Me! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : Balgobin, why do you always get so dirty? BALGOBIN : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- BALGOBIN : Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write? BALGOBIN : Your name on this report card. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? BALGOBIN : Don't bite any. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-**-*-*-*- TEACHER : Balgobin, give me a sentence starting with "I". BALGOBIN : I is... TEACHER : No, Balgobin. Always say, "I am." BALGOBIN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?" BALGOBIN : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- BALGOBIN : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? FATHER : No. Why do you ask that? BALGOBIN : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then? *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! BALGOBIN : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? BALGOBIN : Brotherly love? *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : Now, Balgobin, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? BALGOBIN : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : Balgobin, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? BALGOBIN : No, teacher, it's the same dog! -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? BALGOBIN : A teacher
WHO'S THERE? IT'S ME, SOO. SOO WHO? Tsunami. Open the door and I'll show you who!
Their yards turned into hassar farms Trees decorated in chickens and toads Goats chewing styrofoam boxes on the roads Ducks swimming in living rooms Cows wearing two-piece bathing costumes Fishermen conducting mini-boats Minibuses ready to float Bakers selling loaves for $300 - even more (They need a lash with a two by four) Pumps pumping around the clock City engineer suddenly working non-stop But Met Office says rain won't go away Until some time around St Valentine's Day Long booted ministers handing out hampers Urging everyone, 'Please be happy campers' Hinds 'regretfully' shuts down Sharma For speaking about the lost 'craps' of de farmers Corbin invited to State House to drink tea With 'Roger' and 'Robert' - such indecent unity Jagdeo in crooked baseball cap all over the TV Making lists like he's shopping at Fogarty's But let no one make political hay It could be considered too risque After all the people may not blame the 'abnormal rain' But rather the broken kokers, the clogged up drains
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is
never any time for her. If she has a boring repetitive
job with low pay, this If you get a promotion ahead
of her, that is If you mention how nice she looks,
it's sexual If you cry, you're a wimp. If
you don't, you're If you make a decision without
consulting her, you're If you ask her to do something
she doesn't enjoy, If you like a woman to shave
her legs and keep in If you buy her flowers, you're
after something. If you If she has a headache, she's
tired. If you have a
God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Queen.. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too...with sprinkles." And low and behold they gained 10 pounds. And so God created the healthful
yogurt that Woman might keep the figure So God said: "Try my fresh
green garden salad." And Satan presented God then said: "I have sent
you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in Then God brought forth the potato,
naturally low in fat and brimming with God then brought forth running
shoes so that his children might lose God then gave lean beef so that
Man might consume fewer calories and God sighed...and created quadruple
by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled and
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are You doing for the next generation??"
Dad says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will have to find out about it anyway. Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've Got Male!
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me."
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.......... "Who talkin' abouta sexa?..... I'm a justa tellin' my frienda,how to spella 'Mississippi!"
While on vacation his nagging wife dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the wife could be burried in Israel for US$500. The man says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
We proud to put 'pon show . . . Um is a bran' o' English Dat only Bajans know. When hard times knockin' 'bout a fella, An' 'e en got nowhey to res 'e head, He sleepin' in Pollard Cellar. An' is one a' de bes' sweet-talkers, We's say he wukkin' at easy Hall An' gettin' pay at Walkers. To fin' li'l piece o' wuk Is a big-time breadfruit-swopper, An' um is salt he got to suck. Or Kiddy Kingdom, too.. Dah is when yuh real, real happy An' c'n cay ef black is blue! Dat gettin' t'rough 'cause 'e lucky Is one dat every Bajan know Dat man is a sweetskin bucky. Is somebody dat rough an' crude; A kill-cow is a bully, An' a bellyologis' love food. Is a born-an'-bred nitwit; Somebody dat always t'iefin' Is a regular fingersmit'. Mean yuh skin get soak in blows . . . Yuh pompasettin' an' perlixin' When yuh showin'-off in new clothes. Dat duh face like a dam drag-sword, Wid mo' duppy-tucks dan John read 'bout An' duh ches' like a jookin'-board! Dat duh shape like a common-pin . . . An' ef Lickmou' Lou dey, she might say "Check t'ree spawns from yuh chin!" A fine line don' be drawn . . . When we done explainin' whey duh should go, Duh might en'-up back at Square One! To mek-certain yuh facin' so . . . When yuh butt-up li'l ways lower-side de shop, Tack-back an' swing below"! When we talk, we don' hesitate; Dah jes' as well cause it would be sheer hell Ef evahbody start talkin' great!
-Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. -Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped. -Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. -Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the -Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). -Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. -France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. -Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. -George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. -Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. -85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. -Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. -Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (hey! I just sent it. I didn't write it!) -Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. -Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. -Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. -New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. -Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. -Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. -IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. -Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Chile, just wait till we get home." 2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING: "Yuh go get ah good cut ass when we get home!" 3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE: "What di @$$ yuh thinkin bout '? Answer meh when ah talk to you...Chile....doh talk back to me!" 4. My Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES: "If yuh run across de road an' ah car lick yu dong, ah goin' kill yuh wid licks." 5. My Mother taught me THE VALUE OF EDUCATION: "If yuh doh go to school, yuh go pick up garbage on de street." 6. My Mother taught me HUMOR: "If yuh don' eat food, breeze goin' blow yuh 'way." 7. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT: "Come an' tek yu licks' like ah man." 9. My Mother taught me about SEX: "Yu tink yuh come from de sky?" 10. My Mother taught me about GENETICS" "Yu dey jus' like yuh fadda." 11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE: "When yu get to be as ole' as me, yuh go understan'." 12. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE: "One day wen yu have children, a hope dey treat yuh de same way."
appropriate conversation. So a man enters the bar, orders a drink, the robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, then asks him, "What's your IQ?". The man replies, "140." And the robot proceeds to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." But he decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, baseball, cheerleaders, and so on. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "50." And the robot says, "So, you gonna vote for Bush?"
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and the President asks him what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. President Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume the President says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steven" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what happened to Billy?"
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made!" Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large country off the Caribbean and on the coast of South America and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Guyana, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful creeks and lakes, breath-taking ranges, streams, hills, and water falls. The people from Guyana are going to be very handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world holding good jobs. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace, they will be great party-planners and costume-makers. They will have the most beautiful women in the world from every possible racial mixture I have created these last six days. They will make melodious, rhythmic music called soca, beat out the sweetest music out of drums and barrels and host the greatest extravaganza in the world--which they will call Mashramani." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!" "Ah," God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I've put in their government."
BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy. GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?? BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?? GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest. BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever. BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?? BOY : I love you and I could die for you! GIRL : How soon?? BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you! GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?? MAN : You remind me of the sea.
The airline flight attendant explained to the passengers, that although he is blind, he is the best co-pilot in the company. Later, the Pilot arrived, also impeccably dressed in his uniform, dark glasses and a white cane, and he is being assisted by two flight attendants. The Representative in charge at the waiting area assured all passengers that although the Pilot is blind, he is the best pilot in the company, and together with the Co-pilot, they make the best experienced team in the cockpit. With everyone on board, the plane start speeding on the runway, increasing the speed more and more. The passengers are terrorized by now. The plane keeps increasing the speed but does not take off; it continues the run but stays on the ground. The end of the runway gets closer and closer, and in an explosion of general hysteria the passengers start screaming as if they are possessed. At that very moment the plane miraculously lifted off. The Pilot calmly turns to the Co-pilot" and said: "Any day di passenger dem no scream....wi salt!!!"
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district. "No" exclaimed the homeless man, "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Pam. The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting" I replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex!?
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."! "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. " How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
"How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket? " asks an American. "Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective Seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door Behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the Return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket? " asks one perplexed American. "Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian.When they board the train the three Americans cram into a Bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket, please. "
1) That's not right ....................... Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harboring a fugitive?........... Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP............................. Kum Hia Nao 4) Stupid Man ............................. Dum Gai 5) Small Horse ............................ Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach? ............... Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped into a coffee table ........... Ai Bang Mai Ni 8) I think you need a face lift ........... Chin Tu Fat 9) It's very dark in here ................. Wao So Dim 10) I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching? 11) This is a tow away zone.................. No Pah Kin 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week... Wai Yu Kum Nao? 13) Staying out of sight .................... Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive ............. Yu Stin Ki Pu
-- A backward poet writes inverse. -- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. -- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. -- Practice safe eating - always use condiments. -- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. -- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. -- A hangover is the wrath of grapes. -- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. -- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? -- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. -- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. -- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. -- A bicycle can't stand o n its own because it is two tired. -- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) -- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. -- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. -- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. -- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. -- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. -- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. -- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. -- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. -- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. -- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. -- He had a photographic memory that was never developed. -- A plateau is a high form of flattery. -- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. -- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. -- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. -- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Yuh wont know de house when yuh come home. We move. Ah wont be able to sen yuh de new address as de last Guyanese family dat live hey tek de numbers wid dem so they wont have to change deh address at deh new House. Dere was a washin machine in de new home when we move in, but it aint wokin too good. Last week ah put 14 shirts in it, pull de chain, and ah aint see de shirts since. Yuh sister, Parbattie had a baby dis marning . Ah aint find out wedda is a boy or a girl, so ah dont know if yuh is a aunt or uncle. Yuh uncle, Bharose, drowned last week in a vat ah XM at de distillery. Some ah he fellow workers dive in to save he, but he fight dem aff bravely. We cremated he body, and it tek three days to put out de fire. Yuh fadda didn have much tuh drink at Christmas. Ah put a bottle ah castor oil in he flattie.. It keep he goin until New Year. Ah went to de dacta on Tursday and yuh fadda came wit meh . De dacta put a small tube in meh mouth an tell meh nat fuh open for 10 minutes. Yuh fadda offer to buy it from he. It only rain twice last week. Fus for four days, and then for three days. Monday it was so windy that one ah the chickens lay de same egg four times. We had a letta yesterday from de undertaker. He seh if de last installment aint pay on yuh nanees in seven days......up she comes. About yuh fadda....he gat a lovely job. He gat now over 1500 new men under he. He cuttin grass at Le Repentir Cemetery. Love - Mummy PS: Ah was to send you $10.00 but ah already seal de envelope.
LAWYER: Have you any grounds ? POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms. LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded. LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations are in Poland." LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up? POLE: NO, I'm always up before her. LAWYER: is your wife a nagger? POLE: NO, she white. LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce? POLE: SHE going to kill me. LAWYER: What makes you think that? POLE: I got proof. LAWYER: What kind of proof? POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".
Balgobin proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" Balgobin looks back and says, "Yes sir , meh ready fa find am." The minister then dunks him under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, meh did not, Mista Pasta." The preacher in disgust holds Balgobin under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" Balgobin wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Yuh sure dis is where he fall in?"
In a restaurant in Zambia: "Open seven days a week and weekends." On the grounds of a private school in South Africa: "No trespassing without permission." On a window of a Nigerian shop: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here?" On a poster in Ghana: "Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help." In a hotel in Mozambique: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9.00 am and 11.00am daily." On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: "Take note: When this sign is submerged, the river is impassable." In a Zimbabwean restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager." A sign seen on a hand dryer in a Lesotho public toilet: "Risk of electric shock-Do not activate with wet hands."> In a Botswana jewellery shop: "Ears pierced while you wait." In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania: "No children allowed!" In a cemetery in Uganda: "Persons are prohibited from pickingflowers from any but their own graves. In a Malawi hotel: "It is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don't read this notice." A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: "It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose." In a Namibian nightclub: "Ladies are not allowed to have children in the bar."
1.Mother-in law In India - A women capable of making your life miserable. Outside India - A women you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free? 2. Husband In India - A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings. Outside India - Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed. 3. Friend In India - A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome. Outside India - A person who you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy. 4. Wife In India - A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower. Outside India - A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath. 5. Son In India - A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market. Outside India - A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn. 6. Daughter In India - A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage. Outside India - A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage. 7. Father In India - A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed. Outside India - A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition. 8. Indian Son-in-law In India no one would have their daughter married to him. Outside India, descendants if Indians living in the west indies consider it a honour to have their daughter married to him. 9. Desi Engineer In India - A person with a respectable job and earning lots. Outside India - A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich. 10. Desi Doctor In India - A respectable person with ok income. Outside India - A moneymaking machine, who has a money-spending machine at home called "doctor's wife". 11. Bhangra In India - A vigorous Punjabi festival dance. Outside India - A desi dance you do, when you don't know how to dance. 12. Software Engineer In India - A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue consulate visa line. Outside India - The same hi-tech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday, and says 'This is my last year in the US (or wherever)' every year. 13. A Green Card holder bachelor In India - the guy can't speak Hindi, parents of good Looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there. Outside India - the guy can't speak English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store in Manhattan, dreams of owning a BMW.
The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me Death"? She saw a sea of blank faces, except Martinez, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry 1775." "Very Good"! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth? " Again, no response except for Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." he said. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper. "Screw the Mexicans" "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie. 1836." At that point, a student in the back said. "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares, and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister. 1991" Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this! " Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky. 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. if you say anything I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001. " The teacher fainted. and as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in Big trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003"
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven. The questions are: 1) What days of the week begin with the letter T? 2) How many seconds are there in a year? 3) What is God's first name?" Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? That's an easy one. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but ..... I'll give you credit for that answer. "How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?" "That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN" St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said: "Run, Forrest, run."
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also have a feeling that these people are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, something has been making people who used to be my own age so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection... and I noticed that even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Clothing manufacturers are part of the conspiracy too! Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. The people who make bathroom scales are in on it as well. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? Hah! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here! All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon *everyone* will have to suffer these awful indignities.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten SOB" says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made!" Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large country off the Caribbean and on the coast of South America and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Guyana, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful creeks and lakes, breath-taking ranges, streams, hills, and water falls. The people from Guyana are going to be very handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world holding good jobs. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace, they will be great party-planners and costume-makers. They will have the most beautiful women in the world from every possible racial mixture I have created these last six days. They will make melodious, rhythmic music called soca, beat out the sweetest music out of drums and barrels and host the greatest extravaganza in the world--which they will call Mashramani." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!" "Ah," God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I've put in their government."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that what ever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack.
Finkelstein looks around and ask, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name "leave it to me" Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hardbodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "if either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home......including the curtain rods.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, leave her alone now or you'll answer to me." St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Just a couple minutes ago."
WILLY: Me! SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum? STUDENT: No, I'm Billy Anderson. TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day? ALFRED: I get up early. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: George! TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave? STUDENT: Yes, Sir. TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't? STUDENT: Yes Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours. TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always
get so dirty? HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish
me for something I didn't do? TEACHER: Why are you late? TEACHER: I hope I didn't see
you looking at Don's paper. GARY: I don't think I deserve
a zero on this test. MOTHER: Why did you get such
a low mark on that test? SYLVIA: Dad, can you write in
the dark? TEACHER: Well, at least there's
one thing I can say about your son. TEACHER: In this box, I have
a 10-foot snake. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence
starting with "I". TEACHER: Max, use "defeat",
"defense", and "detail" in a sentence. MOTHER: Why on earth did you
swallow the money I gave you? TEACHER: If you received $10
from 10 people, what would you get? TEACHER: If you had one dollar
and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would
you have? TEACHER: If I had seven oranges
in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am? BOY: No. GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter. BOY: And do you know who I am? GIRL: No. BOY: Thank Goodness
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
hours to live. Vamos a hechar el polvo one more time?" Of course Marta agrees and they do it again. Later, as Carlos gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realized that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches Marta's shoulder and asks, "Mami, please....just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course Mi Papi Chulo" and they make love for the third time. After this session, Marta rolls over and falls asleep. Carlos, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps Marta and says "Nena, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could........." At this point Marta sits up and says, "Mira Cabron, I gotta get up in the morning.....YOU DON'T!
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by asingle "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7.The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? DANGEROUS: What are you so worked
up about? DANGEROUS: Should you be eating
that? And a personal favourite..... Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Student: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day same time." 2) Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon? Pupil: The moon. Teacher: Why? Pupil: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the daytime when we don't need it. 3) Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Pupil: A teacher. 4) Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have? 5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs. 6) Pupil: Did you know that the
most intelligent person on earth is going deaf?
" First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour. Then the German Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He doesn't like this so he moves on. He goes to the U.S. hell, the Canadian Hell, and the U.K. Hell, and discovers that they are all the same. Finally, he comes across a very long line of people waiting to get in and asks, " Which Hell is this?" Someone tells him, "Oh, This is the Guyana's Hell" "What do they do in here?" He asks. "Well, first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour, then the Guyanese Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day!" "But that is just like all the other Hells," The man said," Why is the line so long?" "Because in Guyana's Hell, the electricity is always off, the electric chair is broken, someone stole all the nails, and the Guyanese Devil is a public servant, so he comes in, punches his time card then goes to the Rum Shop and play dominoes all day!"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and >they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yeah, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night"
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had,indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this." So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts her.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
"You got a last name, Earl?" "Nope. It's a long story, Officer." "I got time." Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have fun and,enjoy life.. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said |