The Daily Funnies
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The Daily Funnies |
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration." The man and theostrich! A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries, and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man. 'Yep! Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact amountout of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses, and replies, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.' Big shot Guyanese, Rampadarat, grew up in Industry, then went away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Guyana because he felt he could be a big shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office among the big sawatees. The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to create a big impression for this new prospective client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Rampadarat grabbed up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Supreme Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be making the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide the necessary support." He went on playing himself, "Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently and quite unperturbed as Rampadarat rattled instructions filled with endless legal jargon. Finally, Rampadarat put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from the telephone company, I came to hook up your phone." The Wisdom of Balgobin MATH TEACHER: Balgobin, why are you doing your math sums on the floor? Balgobin: You tell me to do it without using tables! GO SLOW TEACHER: Balgobin why are you late? Balgobin: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? Balgobin: The one that says, 'School Ahead, Go Slow.' CROC TEACHER: Balgobin, how do you spell 'crocodile'? Balgobin: 'K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong Balgobin: Maybe. If yuh seh so. But you ask me how I spell it! H2O TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? Balgobin: I know!! It's 'HIJKLMNO'!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? Balgobin: Yesterday you said it's H to O! WHO DISCOVERED GUYANA TEACHER: Balgobin, go to the map and find Guyana . Balgobin: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered Guyana ? CLASS: Balgobin! VERY IMPORTANT TEACHER: Balgobin, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. Balgobin: Me! TEACHER: Balgobin, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' Balgobin: I is... TEACHER: No, no, Balgobin. Always say, 'I am.' Balgobin: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' COINCIDENCE TEACHER: 'Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? ' Balgobin: 'Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day, and at the same time.' SAY YOUR PRAYERS TEACHER: Now, Balgobin, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Balgobin: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. MY DOG, YOUR DOG TEACHER: Balgobin, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? Balgobin: No, teacher! It's the same dog! SMUDGE RESPONSE The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten. 'Balgobin,' the teacher asked, 'where is the decimal point now?' 'On the eraser!' JUST A DOT The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Balgobin, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came.... Little Balgobin walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Balgobin had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. 'It's a period,' reported Balgobin. 'Well, I can see that,' she said, 'but what's so exciting about a period?' 'Me nah know', said Balgobin, 'but, this morning, me sister say she miss one. Me Daddy get a heart attack. Me mother faint. And the next ting we know, the man next door shoot he self!' FACES Finding little Balgobin making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Sita stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the school teacher said, 'Balgobin, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.' Balgobin looked up, shook his head and replied, 'Well, Ms Sita, you can't say nobody didn't warn yuh. You should have listened!' HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine , that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Bee r is also made out of grain. Bottoms up Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry . My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: < B>Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' IS a shape! ! The bride tells her husband, ' Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?' With a SMILE on his face caringly touching her in places, he says 'OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner' . So what we do is PPP - P ut the Prisoner in P rison . And the rule is that in prison the prisoner does not just lie down there, he really has to work.' And then they made heated passionate love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, panting but smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, 'Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.' Turning on his side, he smiles. 'Then we will have to re-imprison him.' After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, 'Honey, the prisoner is out again!' The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.She nudges him and says, 'Honey, the prisoner escaped again.' Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, 'Hey, its not a life sentence , OKAY!!! An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your licence please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration document please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Officer: I stole it. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior Policeman slowly approaches the car. Officer 2: C ould you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car ? The woman opens the boot , revealing nothing but an empty space. Officer 2: Is this your car, Madam? Older Woman: Yes, here is the registration document. The Policeman is quite perplexed Officer 2: One of my men claims that you do not have a driving licence. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out her driving licence and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you Madam, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. A Jamaican, a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Grenadian went to New York for the Labor Day weekend. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, the Grenadian, because he snored so loudly. They decided it wasn't fair for the same person to stay with Daryl every night, so they voted to take turns. The Jamaican slept with Daryl on the first night and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night long." The next night it was the Bajan's turn (Barbadian). In the morning, he arrived for breakfast with hair all disheveled, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched him all night." The third night was the Trini's turn. Frank was a big burly wrestler from Montego Bay . The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and chipper. "Good morning," he said. The others couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night ... He sat up and watched me all night long." Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'. Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'." ----------------------------------------- An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." ----------------------------------------- Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. ------------------------------------------ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for ------------------------------------------ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. -------------------------------------------- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. --------------------------------------------- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. ---------------------------------------------- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. ---------------------------------------------- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. ---------------------------------------------- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. ----------------------------------------------- Old age is when former classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. ---------------------------------------- ------ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. -------------------------------------- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It' s worse when you forget to pull it down. ------------------------------------------- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however,one exception. A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." replied Gita. "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Jamaican" boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gita why she is a Jamaican. "Well, my mom and dad are Jamaicans, so I'm a Jamaican too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly, "If your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then" says Gita, "I'd be an American." Parvinder and Habib are pandhandlers... They panhandle in different areas of town. Habib panhandles just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Habib says to Parvinder "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?". Parvinder says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say"? Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'." Parvinder says " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars" Habib says... "So what does your sign say"? Parvinder shows Habib his sign...... It read s, "I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan".
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit. With a glorious and all conquering past. Lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud. Very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled. Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages... still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there. a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick... While I was at the mall the other
day eating at the food court, I noticed an old man watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in
all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man
kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old
man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically
asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?" A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes." |