The Wisdom of Balgobin
MATH
TEACHER: Balgobin, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
Balgobin: You tell me to do it without using tables!
GO SLOW
TEACHER: Balgobin why are you late?
Balgobin: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
Balgobin: The one that says, 'School Ahead, Go Slow.'
CROC
TEACHER: Balgobin, how do you spell 'crocodile'?
Balgobin: 'K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
Balgobin: Maybe. If yuh seh so. But you ask me how I spell it!
H2O
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
Balgobin: I know!! It's 'HIJKLMNO'!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
Balgobin: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
WHO DISCOVERED GUYANA
TEACHER: Balgobin, go to the map and find Guyana .
Balgobin: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered Guyana ?
CLASS: Balgobin!
VERY IMPORTANT
TEACHER: Balgobin, name one important thing we have today that
we didn't have ten years ago.
Balgobin: Me!
TEACHER: Balgobin, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
Balgobin: I is...
TEACHER: No, no, Balgobin. Always say, 'I am.'
Balgobin: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
COINCIDENCE
TEACHER: 'Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? '
Balgobin: 'Sir, my mother and father got married on the same
day, and at the same time.'
SAY YOUR PRAYERS
TEACHER: Now, Balgobin, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?
Balgobin: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
MY DOG, YOUR DOG
TEACHER: Balgobin, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the
same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Balgobin: No, teacher! It's the same dog!
SMUDGE RESPONSE
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and
had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying
this number by ten.
'Balgobin,' the teacher asked, 'where is the decimal point now?'
'On the eraser!'
JUST A DOT
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
about something exciting and relate it to the class the next
day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports,
the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant
to call on little Balgobin, knowing that he sometimes could be
a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came....
Little Balgobin walked up to the front of the class and, with
a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then
sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Balgobin
had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked
him just what that was.
'It's a period,' reported Balgobin.
'Well, I can see that,' she said, 'but what's so exciting about
a period?'
'Me nah know', said Balgobin, 'but, this morning, me sister say
she miss one. Me Daddy get a heart attack. Me mother faint.
And the next ting we know, the man next door shoot he self!'
FACES
Finding little Balgobin making faces at others on the playground,
Ms. Sita stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly,
the school teacher said, 'Balgobin, when I was a child, I was
told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay
like that.'
Balgobin looked up, shook his head and replied, 'Well, Ms Sita,
you can't say nobody didn't warn yuh. You should have listened!'
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life;
is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it
faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to
your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source
of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give
you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
wine , that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so
you get even more of the goodness that way. Bee r is also made
out of grain. Bottoms up
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry . My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: < B>Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger
stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's
the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' IS a shape! !
The bride tells her
husband, ' Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything
about sex. Can you explain it to me first?'
With a SMILE on his face caringly touching her in places, he
says 'OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private
place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner' .
So what we do is PPP - P ut the Prisoner in P rison . And the
rule is that in prison the prisoner does not just lie down there,
he really has to work.'
And then they made heated passionate love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, panting but
smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, 'Honey the prisoner seems to
have escaped.'
Turning on his side, he smiles. 'Then we will have to re-imprison
him.'
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes
but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making
love, gives him a suggestive smile, 'Honey, the prisoner is out
again!'
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of
a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.She nudges
him and says, 'Honey, the prisoner escaped again.'
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, 'Hey, its not a life
sentence , OKAY!!!
An
older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration document
please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Officer: I stole it.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if
you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car
and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the
car. A senior Policeman slowly approaches the car.
Officer 2: C ould you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car ?
The woman opens the boot , revealing nothing but an empty space.
Officer 2: Is this your car, Madam?
Older Woman: Yes, here is the registration document.
The Policeman is quite perplexed
Officer 2: One of my men claims that you do not have a driving
licence.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out her driving licence
and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you Madam, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered
and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
A Jamaican, a Trinidadian, a Barbadian
and a Grenadian went to New York for the Labor Day weekend. To
save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted
to room with Daryl, the Grenadian, because he snored so loudly.
They decided it wasn't fair for the same person to stay with
Daryl every night, so they voted to take turns.
The Jamaican slept with Daryl on the first night and came to
breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes
all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl
snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night long."
The next night it was the Bajan's turn (Barbadian). In the morning,
he arrived for breakfast with hair all disheveled, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched
him all night."
The third night was the Trini's turn. Frank was a big burly wrestler
from Montego Bay .
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and chipper.
"Good morning," he said. The others couldn't believe
it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked
Daryl into bed and kissed him good night ...
He sat up and watched me all night long."
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided
that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she
took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself
in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and
a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire
as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor
said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's
office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-----------------------------------------
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me
your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so grey
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
---------------------------------------- ------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It' s worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they
collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry
about that; I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence,
I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting
a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find
her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing
short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,--- let's
look for yours."
Here is a true story about a Indian boy on his first day at school
in Porter Ranch.....
It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar
Subramanyam Varma entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American
History.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who
had his hand-up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People,
by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be
ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more
about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who
said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese
Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts
to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little
shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary
Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. .
And as the class gathered around the teacher onthe floor, someone
said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."
Walkin' the dog.....
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for
a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because
she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I
take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she
said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked
it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to
disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep
Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway
down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home,
having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls
out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette,
and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately
asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Subject: Does God understand women?????
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice,
the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to
me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii
so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete
and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something
that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
"Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when
she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means
when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly
happy" ..
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
NEW
TEACHER
After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching
prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right: You want
me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive
behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress
habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a
love for learning. You want me to check their backpacks for weapons,
wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise
their sense of self esteem and personal pride. You want me to
teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and
fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook,
and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice,
recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they
all pass the state exams. You also want me to provide them with
an equal education regardless of their handicaps, a nd communicate
regularly with their parents in English and Spanish by letter,
telephone, newsletter, and report card. You want me to do all
this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a
few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies
me for food stamps. You want me to do all this and then you tell
me. "I can't pray?"
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinarian's
office. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out
his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment
or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry,
Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,
you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just
be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a brown Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on
his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet
with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and
took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful
cat
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at
the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as
I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "$150!!!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead???"
The vet shrugged. I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat
Scan, it went up considerably.
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as
she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not
quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to
discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing
loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about
40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking
tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get
a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and
he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet
away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he
asks,
"Darling, what's for dinner?"
No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about
30 feet from his wife and repeats,
"Darling, what's for dinner?"
Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he
is about 20 feet from hiswife and asks,
"Darling, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door,
about 10 feet away.
"Darling, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.
"Darling, what's for dinner?"
"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
A first grade teacher
explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students
to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing
why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode
into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however,one exception.
A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American." replied Gita. "Then",
asks the teacher,
"What are you?" "I'm a proud Jamaican" boasts
the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Gita why she is a Jamaican.
"Well, my mom and dad are Jamaicans, so I'm a Jamaican too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says
loudly, "If your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot,
what would you be then?" A pause, and a smile.
"Then" says Gita, "I'd be an American."
Parvinder and Habib are pandhandlers...
They panhandle in different areas of town. Habib panhandles just
as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a
Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money
to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder "I work just as long and hard as
you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills
every day?".
Parvinder says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say"?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'."
Parvinder says " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars"
Habib says... "So what does your sign say"?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign......
It read s, "I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan".
Geography Lessons
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa -
Half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a
woman is like America -
Well developed and open to trade,
especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a
woman is like India -
Very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a
woman is like France -
Gently aging; but still warm and
a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a
woman is like Great Britain -
With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a
woman is like Yugoslavia -
Lost some wars, won some great battles
but haunted by past mistakes,
still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a
woman is like Russia -
Very wide and borders are now
largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes
Tibet -
Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the ages...
still desirable but only those
with an adventurous spirit and
a thirst for spiritual knowledge
and true love dare visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 16 and 98,
a man is like Iran -
ruled by a dick...
While I was at the mall the other
day eating at the food court, I noticed an old man watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in
all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man
kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old
man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically
asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk
once and had Sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."
A
young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man,
tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put
these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever
forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these
on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right... and that's the way it is going
to stay until your attitude changes."
The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING
SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION
SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY
LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor
lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER
BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE
WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
One day my housework-challenged
husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on
your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The
man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear
clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent,
good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man
is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband
from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."
Security
Conscious
150 years ago, President
Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator --
Alan Pinkerton for protection. That was the beginning of the
Secret Service.
Since that time, the federal government has produced a large
number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS,
DEA, BATF, etc. etc.
Now, we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service". Can't you see them now, these "highly trained"
men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across
their backs: F.A.T.A.S.S.
The FATASS's are, of course, supervised by a special section
of the Homeland Security Section known as: Airport Security Service
Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section, or A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.
Don't you feel safer already!
NO SEX
TONIGHT!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus
and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their
head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting
into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping
at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with
her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just
buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes,
so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry
department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let
me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing
me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when
I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey,
I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as
a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not
for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
Finally, the true meaning
of globaliation.
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel, while driving a German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely
by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an
American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent by a Canadian, using Bill Gates's American technology,and
you're probably reading this on your computer,that uses Taiwanese
chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workersin
a Singapore plant,transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked
by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked
to outlets by Mexican illegals.....
It doesn't hurt to
have a little Biblical humor to start the day......
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably
a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord!
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why
he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker
in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"
COOL BALGOBIN!!
Balgobin from East Coast always wanted to look cool.
His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of sneakers
to go with his sweat-suit.
Balgobin saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got
back from returning his empty Banks bottles and finally managed
to get himself a pair of brilliant white sneakers to go with
his sweat-suit.
Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers
by
"Aall yah see meh new sneakers? Cool, eh?"
One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed
a fine pair of sneakers but was young Balgobin aware that he
had a lace undone?
Balgobin scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to
have a trailing lace and that on the bottom of the sneakers there
were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.
When asked for proof of this instruction, Balgobin took off his
sneakers and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
"There y'are! It clearly says ..
"TAIWAN."
A gentleman
asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman
he spotted dining alone.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This
is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the
sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the
man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from
her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For
me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his
own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and
instructed him
to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello,
a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But,
not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches
off. Just send the bottle back!
There was a little girl and her Mother walking
through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex
on a bench. The little girl says, "Mommy what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm....they
are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys
having sex. Again, she asks her mother what a
re they doing, and mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in
the living room last night, eh?"
Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."
"Ten First Place Winners in the International
Pun Contest."
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only
one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron"
.
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Bu ddhist who refused Novocain during
a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved
off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers
to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the
friars to close. They ignored hi m. So, the rival florist hired
Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close
up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He
also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his
odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man,
this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic
hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Interviewer : What is your qualification?
Applicant : Sir, i'm ph.d..
Interviewer :What do you mean by ph.d.?
Applicant : Passed High school with Difficult
"Cricket match at the World Cup, while in South Africa.
At the station, the 3 Trinis buy a ticket each and watch as the
three Guyanese buy just one ticket for them all.
"How allyuh goin on only one ticket?" asks one of the
Trinis.
"Watch an' see nah," answers one of the Guyanese. They
all board the train. The Trinis take their respective seats but
all three Guyanese cram into a toilet and close the door behind
them
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says," Ticket
please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Trinis see
this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game,
they decide to copy the Guyanese style on the return trip and
save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return
trip. To their astonishment, the Guyanese don't buy a ticket
at all!!!
"Whey boy! Whah happen tuh all allyuh? How allyuh travelling
without a ticket?" says one perplexed Trini.
" We know how fuh wuk de ting, y'all doan bodder wid we"
answers a Guyanese. When they board the train the three Trinis
cram into one toilet and soon after the three Guyanese cram into
another nearby toilet.
The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Guyanese leaves
the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Trinis are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The Guyanese calmly collects the ticket and goes back
into his toilet.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter
of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me liketoxic waste.
-David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
-- Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
--Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
--Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving
them.
--Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer...
is, "What does a woman want?
--Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with
me.
--Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take
time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight,
dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
-- Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
--Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster
than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
--James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left
me, and the second one didn't."
--Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
--Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once...
--Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
--Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
--Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
--Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
--Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
A woman sitting in Tim Hortons restaurant suddenly
began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she
was in real distress and two locals, Tommy Yates and Tatoo, were
sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Tommy?
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Tattoo.
The woman shook her head 'No!!!'
With that,Tommy walked behind her, lifted up the back of her
dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down
the crack of her ass. This shocked the woman into such a violent
spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began
to breathe again. Tommy swaggered back to his table and took
a deep swig of his Coffee.
Tattoo said in admiration, "Ya know Tommy, I'd heard of
that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I
ever seen somebody do it.
BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at thebar and
orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at
a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,
looks the biggest,
meanest, biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman.
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the
drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on
with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker
still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time
and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma
liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Go home Grandpa, . you're drunk."
What's for Dinner Dad?
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean
it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters,and won't eat it if they know
what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see" he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what
they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what
you Mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams..."Don't eat it Jimmy!.... It's a fucking
asshole...!!!"
Old Geezers..
"Sixty is the worst age to be", said the 60-year-old
man.
"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time,
you stand there and nothing comes out".
"Ah, that's nothing", said the 70-year-old. "When
you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You
take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing
comes out!"
"Actually", said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is
the worst age of all".
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year
old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock. No problem at all".
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30".
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning
at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30
So what's so bad about being 80?
"I don't wake up until 7:00".
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit
down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting
next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized
when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again
and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed-swine," retorted the
lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud
in public places about our sex lives .
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who'sa
talkin' abouta sex? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spella
'Mississippi'."
I went to a psychiatrist because I was having
severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a
lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture
of my problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your
wife's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy,... she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting
somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we
must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have
only seen your wife's face once during sex; that seems somewhat
unusual; how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
Minute Management Courses 1 2 3
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like
you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate
it.
Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very, very high up.
=============================================
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able
to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but
I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull."They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson - Bull shit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.
==================================================>
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,
the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung
on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing
him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing
for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth
shut!
This ends your two minute management course.
The Drunk
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,
the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided
thelatest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled
his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability
to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped
out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the
hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging
his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and
with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the
drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter)
who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What
the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat
the shit out of a ghost"
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying
a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither
of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard
of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives
of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last
of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very
sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private
Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept
my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with
his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking
down the hall like that...Please put your Private Part back inside
your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy, "replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of
your pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink
and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls
out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and
continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore
and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately
asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
A Jamaican fireman came home from work, one day
and said to his wife "Y'know sumptin womon, we have de wonderful
new system at de fire stayshon."
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to
strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
hen I say, 'Bell tree' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One"
and the wife stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Tree" and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four!!!!"
"WOMON ... What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere
near de fire!"
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very
excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk
on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made
$30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal
to the customer's civil
spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said,
"I made $ 45 and I explained to everyone that magazines
would keep them up on current events."
Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her
breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped
a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
$2,467," he said.
$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were
you selling?"
Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly
sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,
"I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked
by a sample. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes
like shit!' Then I would say, 'It is shit.
Wanna buy a toothbrush?'
Whut de rass
A stranger was seated next to a Jamaican on Air Jamaica when
the stranger turned to the Jamaican and said, "Let's talk.
I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger."
The Jamaican, who had just turned on some reggae on his walkman,
turned it down, and said to the stranger, "Wha yu like fe
discuss, Sah?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. Thinking that
he would stump the Jamaican...he said "Nuclear power?"
Aaa right," said the Jamaican, "dat could be one in-tresting
topic. But mek me ask yu one question fus".
"Go ahead " , said the stranger."A donkey, a cow
and a deer all eat grass, rite? Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turn out Flat patties, and donkey produces clumps
of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, den," said the Jamaican, "How de rass is
it dat yu feel qualified fe discuss nuclear power wen yu don't
even know sh!t?"
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had
an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to
find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he
was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was
going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are
not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law.
A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her
class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as
either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine
noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely
be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The
Loving Husband...
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told
the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The
man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship
your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here
and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take
that chance."
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks
they are senile.
They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple
had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their
old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not
locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared,
where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored
car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked
it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There,
she counted the money--and it's fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back
in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking
for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did
either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says:
"Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from
school yesterday.. . . "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're
outta here."
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly
walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd
like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the! saleslady, as she showed a sea of
bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only
four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation
Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would
you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type
lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and
upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A,
B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra
sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what
the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
A} Almost Boobs...
B} Barely there.
C} Can't Complain!
D} Dang!
DD} Double dang!
E} Enormous!
F} Fake.
G} Get a Reduction.
H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on,
you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh
rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing
and you detect the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the
egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled
with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie
department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Two prfessionals were out for dinner.
Then they decided to have a very romantic evening.
After, they got dressed and decided to go their separate ways.
The man said to the woman :
You have got to be a "Fire-woman"
She then asked why :
Well, He said "You were rushing "
She in turn said " You have got to be an " Anesthetist"
He : "Now how did you ever guess."
She : I did not , no, no !
" I just know "
He : Now how, "
She : "I just didn! feel anything ! "
BRAIN CELL
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake,happened
to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because
it was all empty and quiet. Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still
no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and
scared and yelled at the top of her voice, HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE
HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............
"We're down here .."
A LOVE STORY
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What
did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked
her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Missing
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can
I help you sir?"
"Yessh Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener
hanging out of his fly for all the world to see...He asks the
man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and
without missing a beat,blurts out.......... "Holy shit -----
My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with
her young husband's constant demands for sex, decides to make
a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they
will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper:
"Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests
for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose
that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T',
to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be
mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and
let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks
the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband
will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads
it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices
that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband
that reads:
"Baby, I didn't realize that I was putting you under so
much pressure and I'm sorry. I accept your proposal and have
even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter,
those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we
are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
5. TATURDAY
6. TUNDAY
7. Every Tukking Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. I love you too, and it's still TODAY, I waiting for you
upstairs."
BIOLOGY MID-TERM:
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking a mid term.
The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers
Milk," worth 70 points or none at
all. One student who had partied the night before, was hard put
to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell
indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...Are you ready
for this? Are you really Ready? .
One day a father
gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his
daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie
$265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..."Divorced
Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's computer and one of Ken's Friends."
Heard about the two atoms, X & Y, who ran
into each other? X said: "Y, you don't look too good. What's
wrong with you?"
Y answered, "Couldn't be worse. I lost an electron."
"That sounds terrible. Are you sure?" asked X.
Y: "I'm positive."
Heard of the two Irish gays: Gerald Fitzpatrick
and Patrick Fitzgerald?
Then there was this woman whose cat was sick. She had to take
it to a vet for a people scan.
1. If You Think Nobody Cares,
Try Missing A Payments or two.
2. Hard Work May Pay Off In The
Future, Laziness Pays Off Now.
3. I Used To Have An Open Mind
But My Brains Keep Falling Out.
There was a woman, very attractive, with a very
good job. For some reason men were a little laid back and figured
they could never asked this woman out on a date. They felt intimidated.
However, she became so very ill, felt rejected and lonely. At
one point she felt her walls were crumbling down. So sick, she
decided to check herself in to a hospital, and told all her females
when to visit with her. On her dying bed, along with her Physician,
they asked her
what was her wish.
"Well, she said. "No Male Pall-Bearers for me. When
I was alive, they never took me out. Why would they want to take
me out when I am dead."
Tom & Jerry were out sporting a brand new
BMW.
Trying their best to do their utmost , both just sixteen years
old.
They really want to impress their parents and friends how capable
they are.
Suddenly a sirens are blaring " HOLY SH !!! . Tom (Passenger
seat) said to Jerry (driver).
Do you think they are coming to get us. "Hell No" We
are young but safe as could be.
The sirens stopped blaring....The Officers brought the car to
a halt.
"Get out of the car and put your hands in the air "
they were told.
What is the problem Tom & Jerry asked ????????
Well son to Jerry (driver) " I think you just hit and killed
a "SQUIRREL"
"A SQUIRREL" What so bad, we were not the first to
hit a "SQUIRREL"
Tom curiously asked "Officer was it a male or female ???
The Ofiicer replied "it was indeed a male "
"How sure are you Officer " ?????
"Well I know for sure it was " BECAUSE I JUST HEARD
HIT "NUTS" CRACKED OPEN "
Do you Guys remember Bubba?
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.The
morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for
his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always
done everything together.
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You
better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said,"Nope, ain't
Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought
Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup he's pretty well
burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over
and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes
Bubba with them two assholes!"
Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and
didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of
Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.
"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health
is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."
As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided
to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one
approached the Gates until late in
the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired
old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled
cane. As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir.
How may I help you?"
"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter
the Gates of Heaven."
"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus,
"but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven.
Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honour?"
"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself,"
said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple
life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now
HE was special !"
With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter
like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And
when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and
to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all
alike."
As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to
him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw
open his arms and cried, "Father!"
Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and
yelled, "Pinocchio!"
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced
Peek-a-Boo) is not just an athlete; she is now a nurse currently
working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone
and say .
Picabo, I.C.U.
Cat Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,
"You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you
want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life
I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like
a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge
fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they
all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with
the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just
have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful
little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found
her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the
cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing?
Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been
so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little
Meals on Wheels you have beensending are delicious.
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was
taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a
near death experience.Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8
days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much
more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most
of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way Home, she was killed by
an ambulance .
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said
I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the
path of the ambulance ?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
I will never hear church bells ringing again without
smiling... Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just
passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to
visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked
how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having s*x would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years
ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time
to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was
just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous,
simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still
be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along".
JUST IN CASE THEY WANT TO KNOW WHO WEARS THE PANTS
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn Fine Explanation
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat
upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How
dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute
luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be
the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked
so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let
her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for
three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed
up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't
eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing
devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I
suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her
clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then,
as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they
are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that
you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots
you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone
at work has a pair the same..."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so
grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please...
do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
First son is born, and Kansa kills him by poisoning...
Second one is born and Kansa throws him off the mountain peak
Third one is born..."
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. "Masterji,
I Have a doubt ( sounding nervous n confused)"
"Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in Mahabharata
then how Come u have one?"
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going
to Kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE
SAME CELL ?
The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store...greeting
cards
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
And now that you've come into my life... (Inside card) - I've
changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life... (Inside
card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am.... (Inside card)
- That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go.... (Inside
card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably
need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry... (Inside card) - Someone other than
you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age.... (Inside card)
- Almost lifelike!
7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me... (Inside
card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time... (Inside card) -
What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you... (Inside card) - It's almost
like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.... (Inside card)
- Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket... (Inside card) - I'd miss
you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday... (Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi,
and Arkansas)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't
help but wonder... (Inside card) - What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!... (Inside card) - Too
bad no one likes your husband.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake,
the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short
distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't
that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write
you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I
know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to mom and
dad's for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and eats his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, Johnny asks his
mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to
school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred
and Mary up yet?"
Again she replies, "No."
Johnny asks again, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch
and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks once again, "Are
Fred and Mary up yet?"
Again his mom says, "No."
Johnny asks once again, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "OK! OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline
and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's
a gay bar.
"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really
want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's
the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I
want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until
you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called
NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end
of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really satisfies.'
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will
give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping
on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin!'"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right
who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So,
what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD,
because Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have
you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like
a Rock!' And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before
he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to
the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET.
Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled
look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,
BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!'
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one
morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go
to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands
together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think
it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now,
Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's
bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the
air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad
hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted !!!
Children's Prayers
A 5 year old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother asked
him to pray for his meal. He replied, "Mom we don't have
to. We prayed over this last night." His mother had prepared
leftovers from the day before.
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas
dinner. The family members
bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking
God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked
God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and
all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the
food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit
salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool
Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After
a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and
asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that
I'm lying?"
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear
God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his
parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were
having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if
He was paying attention tonight."
A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my
daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy
and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens
to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
A little boy was saying his bedtime prayers with his mother:
"Lord, bless Mommy and Daddy, and God, GIVE ME A NEW BICYCLE!!!"
Mom: "God's not deaf, son."
Boy: "I know, Mom, but Grandma's in the next room, and she's
hard of hearing!
Little Johnny was softly saying his night prayers kneeling down,
and his mother was beside him.
"Say your prayers louder, darling, I can't hear you,"
said Little Johnny's mother.
"But I'm not talking to you" was the instant reply.
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up"
during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to
maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly
up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety
of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten
men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise
they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she
would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she
was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or
for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices
with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping......
A patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult
four hour, surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are
my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrass! ment and sheepishly pulls
back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles
in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes
a close look
and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
The man struggles to pull off his oxygen mask, smiles at her
and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful,
but, listen very, very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes
complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could
help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated
and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girl friend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly
the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree with a big sword
in his hand and shouted "Red, I'm going to screw you like
crazy!"
Little Red Riding Hood , calmly reached into her picnic basket,
pulled out a .44 magnum, pointed it at the wolf and said, "No,
you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like the book says."
THE TETANUS SHOT
An old man in his nineties stares at the tv as various drug commercials
come on.
When he gets up from the couch and suddenly goes to put his coat
on, his wife sees him and shouts from the kitchen "Where
are you going?!"
"I'm going to the doctor." he replies.
"What for," she says, " are you sick?"
"No" he says, " I'm going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff."
The wife also then heads toward the door and puts HER coat on.
.
Curious, the old man asks, '" And where the hell are YOU
goin' ?
"I'm going too " she says " I gotta get a tetanus
shot"
"A tetanus shot?" he inquires " what happened
? "
"Nothing" she says, " but if you're gonna start
using that old rusty thing, I"m not taking any chances."
Ernesto
Early dawn: ....... the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your
country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot
died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
"What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor."
Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work
pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains
caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!
What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor ...She showed up one night out of the
blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver,..."
George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when
he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing
a long white robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man,
who was staring at the ceiling, and said, "Excuse me sir,
aren't you Moses?"
The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling,
saying nothing.
Again, George W. asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse
me sir, aren't you Moses?"
Again, the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying
a word.
George W. tried a third time, louder yet. "Excuse me sir,
aren't you Moses?"
Again, no movement or words from the old man. He > continued
to stare at the ceiling.
One of George W's aides asked him if there was a problem, and
George W. said "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude.
I have asked him three times if
he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet."
To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied
to the aide, "I can hear him and yes, I am Moses, but the
last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the
wilderness."
ONE NIGHT 4 MBA STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE
NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE
NEXT DAY.
IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK
AS DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT.
THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT
TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR
CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT
THEY WERE IN NO CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.
THE DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID," YOU CAN HAVE THE
RETEST AFTER 3 DAYS."
THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME.
ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE DEAN ADVISED
THEM THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION TEST. ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED
TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST. THEY ALL AGREED AS
THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. THE
TEST CONSISTED OF 2 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS.
CAN U GUESS THE TWO QUESTIONS?
SCROLL DOWNNNNNNNNNN FOR THE QUESTIONS
Q.1. WRITE DOWN YOUR NAME -----(2 MARKS)
Q.2. WHICH TYRE BURST -------(98 MARKS)!!
Cute!!!
Jesus' Dad's Name
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's
name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about
Verge n' Mary.''
***********
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about
it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed
all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked
him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That
preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and
I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our
trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the
way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet
in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were
sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out
loud. Finally, his ! big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." She
said to him
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those
two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan
3
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother
have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you
be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old
son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him
back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like
to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth
did I invite all these people to dinner?"
===========================================================================
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,
you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just
be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on
his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet
with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at
the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches,
shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as
I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!",
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"
"The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word
for it, the bill would have been $20; but with the Lab Report
and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and
agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night but before he leaves, he tells
her that he does
not have any cash with him, but will have the secretaries write
a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR
APARTMENT".
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary
send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent
of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because
when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that
-
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat, and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check
for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn
it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't
blame the landlady.
SEND THE RENT IN FULL OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO CONTACT YOUR PRESENT
LANDLADY.
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him
that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak
voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today .
Catholic Heart Attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass
surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the
care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how
he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, "Do you
have health insurance?"
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are
not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A man was having a conversation with God. "Tell me, God,"
he asked, "What is a million years like to you?"
God replied, "It is as a second, my son."
The man then asked, "God, what is a million dollars like
to you?"
"No more than a penny," replied God.
"Well, then," said the man, "Could you spare me
a penny?"
"Of course," said God, "Just give me a second."
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist
who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full
of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and
I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room.
As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir,
what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,"
he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said
there is something wrong with your ear or something and then
discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room
full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.
A drunk is walking home from the bar one afternoon,
when he happened across a pastor doing a water baptismal in the
river. He stops and watches for awhile, and just as he is ready
to leave, the pastor calls him into the river and asks him if
he knows Jesus.
"Well of course I know Jesus!" the drunk tells him,
and with that, the pastor quickly pushes the drunk down into
the water and holds him there for about 10 seconds. He finally
lets him up and asks the drunk if he saw Jesus.
To which the drunk replies, "No."
So the pastor pushes the drunk into the water again, and holds
him under for about 20 seconds this time. Once again, the pastor
asks the drunk if he has seen Jesus, and once again the drunk
answers, "No."
So again the pastor pushes the drunk into the water and holds
him under, this time for almost a full minute. Worried that he
might be drowning this man, he pulls the drunk up and asks him
a third time if he has finally seen Jesus.
The drunk kind of looks around at the river and says, "Nope,
are you sure this is where he fell in?
You may not know this but many nonliving things
have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while
to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device
if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong
buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere,
you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the
hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain
water.
6) A Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.
8) An Hour glass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts
to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the
last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
THE BEST.....even "he" agrees!
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male,
didn't you? But consider this,-it gives a man pleasure, he'd
be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying!
The teacher tells the kids to make a sentence with the words
liver and cheese.
White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich
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